Suicide Prevention

I just edited an article on suicide prevention that ended with the question "You have kept yourself alive this long, what do you need from us to keep yourself alive longer?" "Hi, my name is Elif. I have had suicidal tendencies since the age of 12 and I want to learn the difference between behaviour and performance. I know it at an intellectual level but it isn't etched to my soul yet." It was never my aim to become a high performer, the world demanded that of me because of a "high potential" it saw in me. I was called smart, capable and healthy with each high score; weak and whiny and crazy with each self-inflicted cut. So eventually I equated mental stability with constant and top performance. It didn't matter if I had stopped sleeping as long as I was the youngest engineering student in the university. It didn't matter if I had a wound on my arm that I kept open for 2 months as long as I didn't lose my scholarship. When I eventually lost my scholarship -duh- and failed to graduate by the age of 21, I believed them. I was just too sensitive to fulfil my potential, too needy to become a top-notch anything. For a decade after that I internalised the terms under-achiever and lost-cause; I believed the professors, business coaches and mentors that told me I might be a bit too late to the game to become the boss, and I was just too sensitive and opinionated to become a good worker. My world celebrated my potential and condemned my sensitivity at every possible turn. I wanted to change it into something kinder, it wanted to change me into a high-performer. I am 37 now and my mom is so proud of me for "keeping a job" for 3.5 years; working as a freelance translator for a decade before that was not enough to elicit pride out of her - there wasn't a boss involved in that career path that could vouch for my performance. I am 37 now and I am proud of myself for staying in psychotherapy for 3.5 years, and doing whatever is necessary to be able to afford it. I am proud of myself because I am unlearning my positive bias towards high-performance and high-performers. I have not been performing so well in the last couple of months; but I haven't been behaving horribly. I fail to return all calls and texts, incessantly forget to send a link, leave my laptop at the office when I have planned to work from home in the morning... I have been slower, less motivated, less dedicated than my average... I gave myself a self-review the other day that ended with "sloppy, disorganised, too sentimental". This happens to me sometimes, sometimes I struggle mentally and my performance levels drop... I happen to have friends and family with a wide range of sensitivity levels. So I have had both supportive and potentially harmful reactions to this recent decline. In my current state I have to prioritise my money-making gigs just to maintain an acceptable level of performance. I want to keep my jobs because I want to stay in therapy; because it is the best thing that has happened to me and the best investment I have ever made. I have had friends send me messages out of the blue saying "you don't need to perform for me, we can just sit in the same room." I have had volunteer-project-mates pick up the pieces I have dropped without a single unkind word. I have had co-workers laugh it off when I forgot to do one of the twenty tasks I was asked to do. I have also gotten unprompted criticism, advice and character analyses from close friends and near strangers because I have failed to fulfil their performance expectations. I have not been performing so well in the last couple of months; but I haven't been behaving horribly. I am still capable of showing compassion, respect and self-control in my interpersonal relationships. I am still capable of taking responsibility for my actions. I am still capable of self-reflection and vulnerability.

My inner bully tells me I am useless, that I am a failure, that I merely am a waste of space; my inner mother tells me I am fine the way I am, that I am real and precious and complex, that I deserve to exist just because I exist. My inner mother is a peach; I just wish I had heard her words more frequently in the first two decades of my life. This is what I need from the world: a clear distinction between behaviour and performance, and clear evidence that I will not be shunned when I cannot perform. I also have a wish; if you know a child/adolescent who already shines out of the pack, one that is smart and sensitive and just a bit "too emotional" for this planet; pick your words wisely around them. Sensitive minds tend to cling on the words that crush them, and thankfully they also cling on the words that build them back up again.