confessions full of jack

Since I moved to Helsinki, gossip has been a fundamental part of my social interactions. Yes, I do know the difference between bonding through storytelling and unhelpful gossiping. Yes, I do know the cathartic nature of speaking out the inner turmoil sans consequences. Yes, I do know the necessity to provide context for conflict resolution. I am talking about gossiping. Carrying inaccurate and/or confidential information for the sake of entertainment which sub/consciously aims to strengthen the connection with whom you are speaking.

The gaslighting I was subjected to upon my arrival was real; the older migrants and locals alike made me question what I had always known: gossiping is unhelpful at best, very destructive at worst. I tried to believe the notion that in a culture that likes to avoid confrontation/communication until the moment of explosion/urgency; gossiping is the necessary evil, it is an act of preservation for the common good. It is not. However you put it, it hurts the relationship/ community/ organisation deeply and distrust festers.

I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to listen to gossip so one can feel connected to me; I don't want to "spill the tea" back just so that I can be accepted. None of those connections last the passage of time anyways. I want to talk about concepts not actions, interpretations not convictions, patterns not judgements. I don't want to hear trauma stories from anyone but the owner; I do not want to hear my own private issues from lips I have not ever met before.

Communication is a skill; for some it is harder than others. One does not get better at communication through the help of gossip or constant interaction. One gets better through the practice of consciously choosing one's discourse. One gets better by staying clear of potentially harmful behaviours. One gets better by listening actively and intentionally.

Communication is also a deeply personal choice. We don't have to communicate with every one at the same depth; we don't have to utilise all of our skills in every single conversation with every single person. We don't have to communicate with others every day. I would even argue that without some level of self-reflection in solitude, maintaining healthy practices would be difficult. The similarities between the Finnish culture and Turkish culture when it comes to gossip are fascinating. The reasons behind the practice differs a little for each culture; and the amount of harm it can do in Finland is minuscule compared to what it can do in Turkey. Thus, it is not as fervently avoided by people who have an interest in building healthy relationships, if you compare them to their Turkish counterparts. It is still hurtful; and I don't want it playing such a fundamental part in my life anymore.